Why we don't speak up for ourselves and what to do about it
Have you ever been in a room and felt so intimated by the setting or the people, that you sat in silence? But, in your head you were bursting with thoughts and ideas which you gradually watched other people say out loud.
Or, do you have more interesting conversations with yourself than you say out loud, or are you someone who at the end of the day can have a mind full of opinions that were never said?
Guys - I bring you FOPO – Fear of Other People’s Opinions.
It affects 1 in 1 humans, so you are guaranteed to experience this at some point in your life.
To paint the picture, it often sounds like (in our heads) any of the following:
1. "If I say this then they’ll think I am a…"
2. "I wonder if they will take me seriously, someone else should probably make the point...I'll wait"
3. "Am I just overthinking this...?"
(p.s. The answer to number 3 is YES, definitely Yes)
And while we have all been there, sometimes when it starts to feel like you LIVE there, that's when it's time to reset yourself so you can get on with your life -- and that's not happening as much as you like now because your FOPO is holding you back.
Here are 3 things you need to know about it.
1. FOPO is human. We are all social beings and staying in and accepted by the tribe is literally hard-wired into us. (When you think about our ancestors, getting kicked out of the tribe was literally a case of life and death!) So when it feels like that is at risk, it's easy to get into fight-or-flight mode and silence our voice.
2. FOPO has benefits. Pretty much everything that we do in life has an upside, even if it's hidden. So as an example, think about procrastination. Most people would agree that it's not a good thing. However, the reason we do it - however we try to fight it - is because it has upsides. There is a reason that we procrastinate. It keeps us from doing the thing that we fear will fail, get criticized, get wrong, not be perfect. And when you look at it from that perspective, of course we all do it! In the same way with FOPO - there is a reason it appears in our lives and we give it the space we do. It helps us in some ways by protecting us from getting kicked out of the tribe; not looking stupid, avoiding conflict, 'keeping the peace.'
And while this is true, also very equally true is the fact that...
3. FOPO has costs. And so does our silence. In the moment we tend to convince ourselves of the upsides of FOPO, but we’re not so great at seeing the cost which comes in the form of
Lower energy and downright burn out (FOPO and all the overthinking that comes with it takes so much energy. You can't direct it towards your goals because you're busy trying to avoid something that might happen)
Lower contribution (yes, if we never say or do all those things our FOPO keeps us from, it might keep you from a few mistakes, AND it will also lower your productivity and your ability to create & shape meaningful work)
A massive hit to your confidence (because every time you doubt yourself, let the doubt win, and then you don't go for it and share it with the world -- you're chipping away at pieces of what makes you, YOU - all those opinions, ideas, perspectives, beliefs)
Here’s what I call the FOPO 3-layer Deep exercise you can run through when you catch yourself in a FOPO moment.
1. Layer 1: What is this thought? (we often have recurring FOPO 'theme thoughts' that we replay)
2. Layer 2: What is the full thought? (often our initial thoughts aren't the full story - so play it out to the end)
3. Layer 3: What about that scares me so much?
Then once you've done that to uncover the full FOPO story and why it has such a grip on you, here's a trick.
Change the ending by asking ‘what if’ [pick the exact opposite ending]
Here's an example:
1. Layer 1 - The thought: "It isn’t my place to bring this up"
2. Layer 2 - What is the full thought: “It isn’t my place to bring this up because it is going to make my boss look bad because it will seem like I am contradicting her opinion”
3. Layer 3 - What about that scares me so much?: "I don’t want her to think I am insubordinate and not be seen as someone she cannot then trust. It is important to me to be seen as trustworthy - it's a big value of mine"
4. Pick the exact opposite ending: “What if I bring it up and she appreciates it and knows she can always count on me to get the facts right because I am a person of integrity. She would value that in the team, and I would feel good about having had the courage to say that"
5. Now say it out loud (I snuck this step in but try it out because there is power in articulating it!)
Alright, now that you're well versed in FOPO, try it out for yourself, and drop me a line to let me know what you come up with.
Xx